Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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