I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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