what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
