I think i peed on brittanys purse
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
