So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
