OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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