So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
