he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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