now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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