The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
