Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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