Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
