I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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