she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
