This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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