totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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