I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
