Three words: puerto rican gang bang
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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