i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He has the fingertips of a God
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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