He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
