The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
