I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
