he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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