you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
