cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
