at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
