I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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