i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
