You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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