The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
