when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
