sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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