i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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