So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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