Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
