I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
