I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
