you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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