I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
