the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
