if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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