The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
