Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
