hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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