my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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