Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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