Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
