I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
