So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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