Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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