Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
