as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
