While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
