i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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