I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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