Will you blow on my dice?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Your topless pictures make me question reality
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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