I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
